I haven't written on here for a very long time.  A lot of pain and hurt has taken over my life and I don't know where to go with it.  My husband cheated on me with two girls.  We're in counseling, but I don't know if it's helping.  We don't touch, we don't kiss, and we definitely don't have sex.  I found a journal that he kept with him before we were married in 2006.  I'm going to put the only three entries it ever had on my Xanga one at a time so that when I'm all alone I can read about how much he used to love me.

                                                                                                                                                         "03 Nov 05
Another day here in Iraq I guess what started [me writing this] are the events that happened yesterday.  Spc Smith died in an IED explosion I really did not know him but I did see him a couple of days ago I said 'what's up'.  Oh by the way I'm not a writer I don't follow the grammatical rules of the English language oh well deal with it motherfuckers!!!  Anyway last nite a whole bunch of things were going through my head most of them were about how easily someone could lose their lives.  Other things too like about Nicole and I oh and by the way she is my fiancee and I love her very much sorry had to put that out .  She is constantly in my head especially when I'm about to go outsidethe wire.  I haven't decided if Nicole or anyone will read any of this [maybe] one day til then no one will not see this.  This place I can't spell the city's name but it's like I've been living in the Matrix for most of my life.  United States, Great Britain, Japan, etc. all those wealthy countries are the matrix.  I've been living in the matrix for most of my life.  Iraq is the 'real' thing all those people dont see because I took that pill and I get to see it.  That probably doesn't make sense to someone who might read this but it makes perfect sense trust me.  Enough of this we are going to make our presence known in a city we call Jasmine til then...."

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me